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The SECRET Principle to making Any Marriage Work! Ray's Reviews

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert Paperback – May 5, 2015

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • Over a million copies sold! “An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent—and long-lasting—marriage.”—Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.

Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Print length

320 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Harmony
Publication date

May 5, 2015
Dimensions

5.14 x 0.69 x 7.98 inches
ISBN-10

9780553447712
ISBN-13

978-0553447712
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Get to know this book

What's it about?
A research-backed guide providing seven principles and strategies to resolve conflicts, build intimacy, and strengthen marriages for long-lasting harmony.
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Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.
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Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.”
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At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.
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Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.
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The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.
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From the Publisher

Explore these ...seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a long-lasting relationship.


	Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage	The Man’s Guide to Women	The Relationship Cure	And Baby Makes Three

Customer Reviews	585	1,824	1,572	558
Price	$12.99	$18.26	$11.50	$13.20
	Vital tools—scientifically based and empirically verified—that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication.	Unlocks the mystery of how to attract, satisfy, and succeed with a woman for a lifetime. For the first time ever, there is a science-based answer to the age-old question: What do women really want in a man?	A powerful, simple five-step program, based on twenty years of innovative research, for greatly improving all of the relationships in your life—with spouses and lovers, children, siblings, and even your colleagues at work.	Helps new parents positively manage the strain that comes along with their bundle of joy.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent -- and long-lasting -- marriage."
-- Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

"Gottman stays refreshingly down to earth, rather than on Mars and Venus."
-- Bill Marvel and Geoffrey Norman, American Way

"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic."
-- Newsweek

"Twenty-five years of landmark marital research."
-- USA Today

"Offers something every relationship can benefit from."
-- Seattle Post-Intelligencer

"Astonishing new research!"
-- Woman's World

"Debunks many myths about divorce . . . reveals surprising facts . . . enlightening!"
-- Amazon.com

About the Author

JOHN GOTTMAN, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, is emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington; executive director of his laboratory, the Relationship Research Institute; and cofounder of the Gottman Institute. He held an NIMH research scientist career award for twenty years. Dr. Gottman is the author of more than two hundred professional journal articles and forty-two books, as well as the recipient of numerous prestigious awards for his extensive contributions to marriage and family research.

NAN SILVER is a former editor in chief of Health magazine and coauthor, with Dr. Gottman, of What Makes Love Last: and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages
It's a surprisingly cloudless Seattle morning as newlyweds Mark and Janice Gordon sit down to breakfast. Outside the apartment's picture window, the waters of Montlake cut a deep-blue swath, while runners jog and geese waddle along the lakeside park. Mark and Janice are enjoying the view as they munch on their French toast and share the Sunday paper. Later Mark will probably switch on the football game while Janice chats over the phone with her mom in St. Louis.

All seems ordinary enough inside this studio apartment--until you notice the three video cameras bolted to the wall, the microphones clipped talk-show style to Mark's and Janice's collars, and the Holter monitors strapped around their chests. Mark and Janice's lovely studio with a view is really not their apartment at all. It's a laboratory at the University of Washington in Seattle, where for sixteen years I have spearheaded the most extensive and innovative research ever into marriage and divorce.

As part of one of these studies, Mark and Janice (as well as forty-nine other randomly selected couples) volunteered to stay overnight in our fabricated apartment, affectionately known as the Love Lab. Their instructions were to act as naturally as possible, despite my team of scientists observing them from behind the one-way kitchen mirror, the cameras recording their every word and facial expression, and the sensors tracking bodily signs of stress or relaxation, such as how quickly their hearts pound. (To preserve basic privacy, the couples were monitored only from nine a.m. to nine p.m. and never while in the bathroom.) The apartment comes equipped with a fold-out sofa, a working kitchen, a phone, TV, VCR, and CD player. Couples were told to bring their groceries, their newspapers, their laptops, needlepoint, hand weights, even their pets--whatever they would need to experience a typical weekend.

My goal has been nothing more ambitious than to uncover the truth about marriage--to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people for so long: Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad--or rescue one that already has?

Predicting Divorce with 91 Percent Accuracy
After years of research I can finally answer these questions. In fact, I am now able to predict whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way. I can make this prediction after listening to the couple interact in our Love Lab for as little as five minutes! My accuracy rate in these predictions averages 91 percent over three separate studies. In other words, in 91 percent of the cases where I have predicted that a couple's marriage would eventually fail or succeed, time has proven me right. These predictions are not based on my intuition or preconceived notions of what marriage "should" be, but on the data I've accumulated over years of study.

At first you might be tempted to shrug off my research results as just another in a long line of newfangled theories. It's certainly easy to be cynical when someone tells you they've figured out what really makes marriages last and can show you how to rescue or divorce-proof your own. Plenty of people consider themselves to be experts on marriage--and are more than happy to give you their opinion of how to form a more perfect union.

But that's the key word--opinion. Before the breakthroughs my research provided, point of view was pretty much all that anyone trying to help couples had to go on. And that includes just about every qualified, talented, and well-trained marriage counselor out there. Usually a responsible therapist's approach to helping couples is based on his or her professional training and experience, intuition, family history, perhaps even religious conviction. But the one thing it's not based on is hard scientific evidence. Because until now there really hasn't been any rigorous scientific data about why some marriages succeed and others flop.

For all of the attention my ability to predict divorce has earned me, the most rewarding findings to come out of my studies are the Seven Principles that will prevent a marriage from breaking up.

Emotionally Intelligent Marriages
What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.

I can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just five minutes.

Recently, emotional intelligence has become widely recognized as an important predictor of a child's success later in life. The more in touch with emotions and the better able a child is to understand and get along with others, the sunnier that child's future, whatever his or her academic IQ. The same is true for relationships between spouses. The more emotionally intelligent a couple--the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage--the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after. Just as parents can teach their children emotional intelligence, this is also a skill that a couple can be taught. As simple as it sounds, it can keep husband and wife on the positive side of the divorce odds.

Why Save Your Marriage?
Speaking of those odds, the divorce statistics remain dire. The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years. Some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10 percent higher than for first-timers. The chance of getting divorced remains so high that it makes sense for all married couples--including those who are currently satisfied with their relationship--to put extra effort into their marriages to keep them strong.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0553447718
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harmony; Revised ed. edition (May 5, 2015)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780553447712
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0553447712
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.14 x 0.69 x 7.98 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #351 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2 in Marriage
- #3 in Conflict Management
- #11 in Love & Romance (Books)

Customer Reviews:
4.7 13,883 ratings

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Nan Silver
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Nan Silver is an author, journalist and editor who specializes in parenting, relationships, psychology and health. With Dr. John Gottman, she is co-author of the newly released What Makes Love Last? as well as the New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. She is also the author of Rules for Parents, a collection of entertaining edicts about modern parenting. Amazon’s review concluded: “Silver maintains a witty, conversational tone that makes for a quick and memorable read. This Mommy could do a mean stand-up routine.” Her magazine credits include stints as editor-in-chief of Health magazine, contributing editor at Parents magazine and a wide assortment of feature articles and columns. She has been a married Mom and a single Mom and has two amazing kids who make her look like a better parent than she is (except when they don’t).
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John Mordechai Gottman
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John Gottman, Ph.D., is world-renowned for his work on relationship stability and divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the PsychoTherapy Networker publication. His 35 years of breakthrough research on marriage, relationships and parenting has earned him numerous major awards.
He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author or co-author of 40 books. Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute where he currently teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where programs have been developed for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project on treatment for Domestic Violence. Dr. Gottman is also in private practice in Seattle and sees couples for weekly and intensive marathon therapy sessions.
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John Gottman
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World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Together with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he is founder of The Gottman Institute and creator of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.
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John Gottman PhD
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Patrick Cline

Really changed my perspective

Reviewed in the United States on April 30, 2024

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My husband was willing to work on our marriage but pushed back on some of the heteronormative and religious content of this book. Fortunately he didn't mind me screenshotting relevant pages and sending them to him to discuss later. Much of the advice seems so obvious but it felt like a smack in the face to see how dysfunctional our relationship had become. We weren't on the same team. Our arguments never got us anywhere. Even with just me having read the book we have made huge improvements on communication and restoring friendship and respect to our marriage.

4 people found this helpful

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Jose Chavez

Informative

Reviewed in the United States on May 21, 2024

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Great read and thinking exercises. Crazy how much simple science goes into relationships. Really important to listen in a relationship, be willing to change yourself, stand your own ground sometimes, but in a much healthier way.

Reviewed in the United States on June 6, 2024

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Easy to read and follow. I recommend this product!

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Autumn

Useful info but repetitive

Reviewed in the United States on November 24, 2023

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I sometimes have the problem with self-help books that the point could’ve been made with about 1/5 the amount of words/space used, and this book is no different. The amount of research Dr Gottman has done, and his accuracy predicting divorce, is mentioned constantly. This began to annoy me after about the third time as I really didn’t need to be sold on his expertise and experience (or reminded). Much of the book is exercises for couples, which might be useful, but I read this on my own. Again: useful points, at moments irritating execution.

32 people found this helpful

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Latisha Love

Amazing tool!

Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2024

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Great book for marriage and relationships desiring marriage. Great tool to use before and during! Has helped with communication and understanding!

One person found this helpful

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Jane in Milwaukee

Interim Review: 7/2/2017:

Reviewed in the United States on July 2, 2017

Verified Purchase

Seeing a marriage counselor and he said he uses this book and its tenets all the time because it's so effective, based on scientific research. I got one each for my husband and myself. We enjoyed doing the exercises at the end of Chapter 4. I read the hopeful parts of the book, the truly practical things couples do to improve and enrich their marriages and, thus, their lives.

Sadly, then I read the chapter on "why couples don't make it." Shoot...they mostly apply to us. I analyze and nag too much, my husband is critical and snide all the time and we've let our friendship dwindle to low ebb. We've been married for over 2 decades and it's hard to see us change enough and in enough time to avoid divorce. We're both that miserable.

The beauty of the book is that it provides excellent analysis and descriptions of both success and failure in marriage: literally, the author and all professionals who apply these principles can predict whether or not a couple will be able to resolve their conflicts successfully or not within a very short period of time based on how they treat each other. Certainly, the marriages that can seem destined to failed can be turned around if both spouses embrace the process and are willing to work on THEMSELVES and not so much try to "fix" their spouses. So clearly explained, all problems (and ALL marriages encounter problems...you newlyweds are kidding yourselves if you don't believe this) can be divided into the Solvable and Unsolvable.

Obviously, by definition, most Solvable Problems can be solved. And it doesn't have to be that Unsolvable Problems lead inevitably to divorce. Sometimes the problem can't be changed by either party such as one becoming ill with cancer or diabetes and the other can't abide having a spouse who is ill. But even having a "mixed marriage" such as 2 conflicting religions can be worked out if they ignore their families' and friends' condemnation and agree to adhere to either or both religions--together or separately--and doing the same for children.

Even couples who can't agree on whether or not to have children or cannot procreate themselves to the sorrow of either or both spouses can be resolved well enough to stay together and be happy. If nothing else, Unsolvable Problems can make the marriage stronger if the parties turn to each other in love and for support instead of turning away from each other in anger or sorrow.

It's all a matter if you require to get your own way on every issue or allow yourself to build up ginormous resentment by always being the one who caves in to your spouse's demands, supposedly just to keep the peace. That's not a peaceful existence.

Right now, I'm not sanguine that it'll work but my husband and I will both give it the ol' college try. I'll keep you posted.

1,250 people found this helpful

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JOAN DEZEMBER

Highly recommend

Reviewed in the United States on April 29, 2024

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The exercises and principles are excellent tools. We have been married for 28 years and it has helped us tremendously. Well written. Highly recommended.

3 people found this helpful

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Madz

A Compassionate Guide to Strengthening Relationships - “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”

Reviewed in the United States on December 12, 2023

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Dr. John Gottman’s book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is an insightful and invaluable guide that provides a beacon of hope and practical advice for couples navigating the complexities of marriage.

This book delves deep into the core principles that foster strong and lasting relationships. Dr. Gottman draws upon his extensive research and clinical experience to outline actionable strategies, allowing readers to understand the dynamics within their relationship and cultivate a deeper connection with their partner.

What sets this book apart is its empathetic approach. Dr. Gottman addresses common relationship pitfalls with sensitivity, offering guidance without judgment. His emphasis on communication, emotional intelligence, and understanding the dynamics of conflict resolution provides a roadmap for couples seeking to improve their relationship dynamics.

Each principle outlined in the book is supported by real-life examples and exercises, making it accessible and relatable. The practical nature of the advice allows couples to implement these principles in their daily lives, fostering a more profound sense of understanding and intimacy.

Moreover, the book doesn’t just focus on problem-solving; it also highlights the importance of fostering positive interactions and building a foundation of trust and respect. Dr. Gottman’s emphasis on celebrating love and cherishing the bond between partners resonates throughout the book, inspiring hope and motivation for couples facing challenges.

One of the most compelling aspects of “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” is its universal applicability. Regardless of the stage of your relationship, whether you’re newlyweds or have been together for years, the wisdom imparted in this book offers something valuable for everyone.

In conclusion, this book is a treasure trove of wisdom and guidance for couples seeking to strengthen their relationship. Dr. Gottman’s expertise, compassionate approach, and actionable advice make “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” an essential read for anyone invested in cultivating a thriving and enduring partnership.

29 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

Great read

Reviewed in Canada on December 10, 2023

Verified Purchase

Very straight forward points and a great read whether your relationship is in trouble or not. Definitely beneficial for conflict resolution but you and your spouse must be receptive to change and consistently putting in effort.

One person found this helpful

Kayla

Highly recommend to everyone

Reviewed in Mexico on February 6, 2023

Verified Purchase

Whether you're married, in a relationship, or single - I highly recommend to all. This book gives you healthy and essential communication skills to understand and receive one another with compassion and acceptance.

Andrea

excellent book - just doesnt work if u r married to a covert narcissist

Reviewed in Brazil on July 14, 2022

Verified Purchase

the book is amazing and if you are not married to a pathological liar and covert narc, i am sure it can even help couples...easy read and excellent exercises

One person found this helpful

Negar

Nice book for couples

Reviewed in Belgium on April 30, 2024

Verified Purchase

Nice and useful

DoP

Tolles Buch.

Reviewed in Germany on March 21, 2024

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Das Buch ist unfassbar informativ. Die Erkenntnisse beruhen auf jahrzehntelanger wissenschaftlicher Forschung und werden durch Beispiele untermauert. Dadurch liest sich das Buch (auf Englisch) sehr leicht. Es regt zur aktiven Reflektion an (Fragenbögen etc).
Sehr zu empfehlen für alle Paare - egal ob verheiratet oder nicht - und auch für Singles.

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